Thursday, March 13, 2008

Life Right Now

I've started to feel a bit anxious over the last 2 weeks or so about having a new baby. I recall when I was pregnant with Super N I was anxious most of the pregnancy. I was so worried about not giving W enough of my undivided attention and I was afraid he wouldn't feel love from me b/c I was so tired and mentally overwhelmed at times with my emotions. I would have fears that would take over at times. For instance, I would picture him at 18 in and out of jail with a substance abuse problem ultimately b/c his mom didn't nurture him enough (b/c she was too distracted with her pregnancy!)

This pregnancy I didn't struggle with these types of fears as much, they'd pop into my head once in a while usually when I would react in anger to W or Super N or yell at them. But overall I haven't felt as anxious until recently. Now I'm having anxious thoughts of bringing a new baby into our little mix. What will it be like? And can I cope? But as well I am getting really excited to meet Baby J and to have the kids see him. I really want to know what the kids think of him and I want to see how they will interact with him.

I'm now 35 weeks pregnant and I don't have much time left before I deliver the newby. I know the next few weeks will fly by. With W's birthday next week I'll be busy thinking about how to manage my time and energy so I can make cupcakes for our playgroup, buy some party supplies for the family party and make a train cake. Also, just maintaining the house and trying to get the kids to the reading/craft time at the library and Cosi, I'd like to get a couple of meals in the freezer (of course I need to shop for the ingredients too) we'll see if all this gets accomplished!

I start my weekly OB checks next week which will make the time fly by as well. I talked to my OB about inducing me a week early and she is totally on board. Now I'm having doubts. I really don't prefer any of the other doctors at my OB's office, let's just say my esperiences with them have not been pleasant. It's actually been a source of stress for me throughout this pregnancy. And I've wanted to pursue laboring in water which is only offered at Grant Hospital and my Doc does not deliver there. I tried a few weeks ago to pursue my friend K's doctor and Midwife but b/c I was beyond 28 weeks pregnant they would require me to go through a process that in my opinion would add more stress and may in the end not end up to my advantage. So here I am considering induction so I can be sure my Doc is the only one who will be, excuse my crassness but, "all up in my crotch". I hope Baby J decides to come when my Doc is on call, wouldn't that be nice and less stressful!

In preparation for Baby J's arrival we have set up a twin sized bed equipped with rails for W. His crib is still in his room and now belongs to Super N. We put W in his big boy bed Saturday night and Super N in the crib in the same room and they've done great! No problems this whole week. W has gotten up each morning, woke up his sister I'm sure, and pulled out toys and played until we've come into free them. I put a childproof doorknob cover on the knob so thankfully that's working to keep them contained. I now need to move a few of Super N's personal items into her new space and personalize Baby J's room before he comes and that's it! Everything is mostly ready to go! What a load off!

We hired a cleaning company that will come tomorrow to clean and every 2 weeks thereafter . I am so grateful and relieved but I feel a bit torn about having a cleaning service. I've been so gungho about paying off debt that I keep thinking "Is this wise?". But in considering our priorities with the soon-to-be arrival of a new baby and having two little people already, a relatively clean house and saving our energy to give to the kids is really important to us right now. I just need to remember that. I guess it's good to some degree that I feel tension about this decision since I don't want to throw my money away, I just need to remember our priorities periodically and also be willing to give up the service when the right time comes (that I hear is the difficult part!).

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