I've been thinking...
I think I need to slow down. I feel like life is passing me by. My kids growth is passing me by. Enjoyment of both of these things is nonexistent for me. Sure I see my kids daily and I appreciate their changes and new words and new milestones but I feel like I'm not able to stop and relax, rest, take it all in. I feel like I honestly go from one thing to another, moving, moving, moving all-the-time. I don't know why. Perhaps my personality, perhaps anxiousness, perhaps a need for somethig else, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. When it comes down to it it doesn't matter why- I just need to stop. I feel so disconnected.
Maybe as you read this you're thinking I'm full of crap and a pathetic mother. And maybe you're right but that's beside the point. I realize I am not great at this whole mom and wife thang but I want to do better, I want to be better at this.
I understand sometimes there are deeper issues that prevent us from doing or being what we want. For instance depression. Huge, HUGE struggle of mine. Sickness, ahhh the cooped up winters, gotta love em! And also other things like grief, marital issues, relational issues and the list goes on.
But for me even amidst my struggles I realize that a lot of it comes down to making choices and sticking to them. Of course I will fail at times. I will get sick or become down at times and not be able to complete all the tasks or desires I have in mind for a day or a week, but I need to get back on track. I now realize for the sake of my family, my babies, my husband.
Also, I forget this truly isn't a burden even though I often think of it as that. But instead something I wanted, something I do absolutely love and enjoy. I adore watching my kids faces as they're engaged in a story that I'm reading to them. Or watching their intense expressions as they're creating with their play doh. Or watching them giggle at something their sibling is doing to make them laugh. I truly adore it and forget how grateful I really am for this. Sure it is hard, but my ungrateful perspective and constant discontentment definitely make an already difficult task of raising babes so excruciatingly more difficult. Much much harder than it need be.
Although I don't believe that making lists or schedules will solve my struggles I do however feel that they will help me with my perspective and help me with keeping my desire at the forefront of my mind. And what is my desire again? To truly love my kids by investing in time, energy and affection with them. This will come in the form of getting on the floor and playing with them daily, reading to them daily, romping on the floor with them daily and engaging with them in conversation (which includes teaching them counting, colors, shapes, whatever they need to learn.) Also other ways I will practically love them is I'm going to try to get a handle on the laundry, keep the kitchen in order and consciously try to engage my honey in conversation in the evenings to keep up our relationship.
I would really love it if you guys could fill me in on how you manage to keep your desire to be a good momma bear at the forefront of your brain? Maybe it's natural for you- that's your default. Or maybe you're like me and struggle with it. But please share! I believe our greatest resource as moms is eachother. And I'm desperate to learn how others are succeeding at this task or if you're like me and have hit a wall and need to shift your perspective back to the job at hand, please feel free to share that as well.