Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Vegas and Grief

I feel like the last two weeks have just flown by. With my Aunt's passing and then the preparation of and flying to Vegas and then jumping right back into life, I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I had hoped that the trip to Vegas would be a break and an opportunity to "feel better" but that didn't happen. Instead Baby J was colicky every day and with the Hub gone in meetings from 8:30-4:30, I just felt lonely.

When we got to Vegas we were granted early check in and were able to go walking through the Forum Shops at Caesers Palace for a few hours. We then got something to eat and got ourselves ready for a Reception Dinner put on by the company that Jason was working with. This gave us an opportunity to meet the other people the Hub would be working with and gave me a chance to meet their wives. Well the 3 wives that were there. It was nice and enjoyable. B/c the Reception Dinner was in a private room we were able to set up Baby J's bassinet and so he slept through the whole dinner peacefully, it was nice.

The next three days the Hub was gone from 8:30-4:30 every day for work and I was left on my own with Baby J to do whatever I wanted. I had planned on going to the pool every day and thought that would be a relaxing break (and it's free) but instead we made it once and got bombarded by other people's grandmas. Although they meant well, they lectured me on bringing the babe into the sun in 101 degree weather. Their concerns were valid b/c Baby J could've gotten heatstroke, but nonetheless they scared the crap out of me and overwhelmed me to the extent that I picked up my baby and belongings and went back to the hotel room. I ended up nursing Baby J off an on for a while, b/c I was worried about him becoming dehydrated.

After about two or so hours he started to get unhappy and I was stir crazy. I packed us up and we cruised the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace for about about two hours. I thought if I just kept pushing Baby J in the stroller he'd be fine b/c we were moving but instead he was mostly unhappy from the start and let me know it. I ended up carrying him most of the time and moving swiftly through the mall with an unhappy baby and an aching back. At about 4:00 I started to head back to try and get ready for dinner. The company Jason was collaborating with had made reservations for us (all 28 or so of us) at Table 10 in the Palazzo hotel. We were told the reservations were at 5:30 and that we'd all take cabs over together. Turns out that the reservation was at 5:00 and I didn't get back to the hotel room until 4:30. And I was really sweaty and felt gross. I didn't have time to relax, take a shower and make myself feel pretty. Instead I had to bust a move and throw my clothes on, throw my make up on, fluff my hair and mask the loads of spit up and sweat on my skin with CK One.

We finally get to the restaurant, which was pleasing to the eye and comfortable, and got seated. We were served drinks and appetizers and then that is about the time that Baby J decided he didn't want to go to all. We tried everything. Finally I just collected him and my things and took a cab back to our hotel. I got to eat my Red Snapper later on that night after the Hub brought it back to our hotel room.

Saturday after watching about 2 hours of rerun HGTV shows on my laptop, I got us packed up and we headed over to Planet Hollywood hotel to walk through their Miracle Mile Shops. After we got there Baby J quickly became unhappy and I realized he wanted nursed again so I sought out somewhere to sit, that took forever! There really is no where to sit in Vegas! I guess that's pretty indicative of Sin City, you don't come to Vegas to sit unless it's in front of a slot machine! But I had to sit to nurse. I found somewhere and then sought out food for myself. Shortly therafter I landed upon a Daiquiri Bar and bought a Mango daiquiri. I nursed that bad boy while I wandered through the rest of the mall. It really did take the edge off of my screaming infant who had clearly gotten to the end of his rope and needed to go back to the hotel room.

I was so tired from that excursion and in pain (my pelvis) that by the time the Hub came home I couldn't walk anywhere else. We ended up staying in and I watched more design shows & nursed and he worked on his book chapter. We did get take out from Payard though, omg yummy! There's nothing like Crepes with nutella and whipped cream for dinner.

On sunday I knew the Hub would want to go out exploring after work so I stayed in and watched two Pay Per View movies (Baby Mama made me laugh...that was nice). I cannot for the life of me recall what else I did. I think I might have just watched more design shows on the internet. I know at one point I tried to take a nap and Baby J wouldn't have it. The Hub came home at 4:30 though and we went to the Fashion Show Mall to look around. It was cool until Baby J had a blow out and we scrambled to find a bathroom. We headed back to the Forum Shops at Caesars and looked in a few stores after I sat and recovered while nursing, my pelvis was screaming in pain and Baby J was screaming in hunger. We eventually settled on carryout sushi and soba noodles for dinner and then fell asleep of course after the evening ritual of The Screaming Baby subsided.

I hope my post doesn't come across ungrateful but I'm thinking I should've stayed home. Baby J seriously cried most of the time and threw up all the time. I found myself on edge 24/7-kind of like at home and I still had to pay for my food which ended up costing a lot (an added stressor). I had expectations that were not fulfilled and so I'm having a difficult time adjusting to that reality. Mostly my expectations were to relax, enjoy some good food in peace and have some fun time with my husband-but that didn't happen.

I had a lot of time to think on this trip and b/c I was sad from my Aunt's passing it brought up a lot of emotions from when my grandma passed in May 2007 and when my grandpa passed in November 2007. I didn't know my grandma had died and found out she did the day of her funeral, which was in another state. It was very devastating for me and I still have a lot of emotions and sadness b/c I feel like I didn't get closure. I think part of having a showing and a funeral is to help the family and friends of the loved one get closure and when you don't experience that I think it makes it more difficult. Also, my Aunt's death brought up feelings of regret that I have that I need to think through. I'm sad too b/c these 3 people impacted my life more then any other family members (not including my dad). They persued me throughout my life and communicated love to me when I most needed it. It's painful that that is now gone.

I looked up the definition of grief and found that the word comes from the french word greve, which means heavy burden. Life feels very heavy right now that is true.

Addendum: I did win 1000 quarters or $250 at the airport playing the Wheel of Fortune slot machine. I hadn't had the opportunity to gamble all weekend and so I put in $25, had $3.25 left and then won 1000 quarters .They gave me cash not quarters thankfully! That was a pretty cool way to leave Vegas.

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