I realized this week that I have Postpartum Depression. Some of the things I've been experiencing are
- Intense anxiety- This seems to come in the form of nightmares and panic attacks. I get so overwhelmed and anxious b/c of the constant screaming and demands on me day to day that I feel like my heart is going to burst b/c it's beating so fast. What accompanies this reaction is an immediate and intense sense of dread or hopelessness.
- Insomnia- Being alert from 9pm until midnight and then waking back up again at/around 4am. This of course leaves me exhausted in the mornings and afternoons.
- Weight gain- I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions and/or circumstances that I'm eating a lot of junky food. It seems at times that tasting the food is the only thing that is enjoyable in life.
- Inability to function- I can function where absolutely necessary- my kids, bills, shopping...but clothes washing, dinner, cleaning house are all done if there is no clean underwear or things are starting to smell (and then sometimes I don't really care-the Hub takes care of it).
- Not enjoying my kids and loving them through play- This is the most painful to admit but it's as if I've had a wall that is preventing me from giving to them in this way.
- Intense anger and sadness
- Morbid thoughts- like giving Baby J up for adoption as one example.
- Withdrawal from relationships
Also, weds night a friend initiated a chat over tea and she just totally enveloped me with support and love. She asked me questions to try to figure out where I was at and how she could support me. She then came over again last night and we talked some more. I noticed yesterday and even now my interactions with my babes have changed. I'm more relaxed and loving and my anger has dissipated tremendously. Friendship, a supporting heart and ear are a tremendous resource to the depressed person, I see now. I'm grateful.