Sunday, July 26, 2009

Life Is Hard Sometimes And I'm A Shitty Caregiver

The Huz has been sick since Wednesday. He went to see a Nurse Practitioner on thursday and then an actual Doctor on Saturday. The NP was stumped about his symptoms and just threw him under the "Sinus Infection" umbrella. She handed him a script for antibiotics (too easily handed out imo) and a script for a narcotic (again too easily handed out imo.) He has no sort of drainage or anything other than a chronic migraine to suggest a sinus infection, oh he had a small amount of fluid in his ear but nothing to constitute diagnosing a sinus At any rate, we got him in to see a doc on saturday morning and he suggested a viral infection which I guess they are seeing more of as of late. Oh I did watch the huz vomit in the sink friday night, frightening. But he is okay enough now to go back to work tomorrow hopped up on stronge doses of drugs-we tossed the antibiotics. Crazy, strange morphed viral weirdness-whatever.

I'm not much of a caregiver. I used to think I was but I'm so not. I'll take care of my kids and my huz if they are sick. But as the days go by...3 or so days is about all I can do. My ability to deal and give a "care" declines. I know I'm selfish. But this week has been especially difficult.

My mom has made some choices to cross some boundaries that I have purposely put in place, because she has a history of being verbally and emotionally abusive. I thought our relationship was going well and I was glad about it. As you know we had made plans to go to the beach with them next month. We will not being going anywhere with them. But on Tuesday or Wednesday my mother got on her high horse and fully inflicted her view of "I must tell everyone and anyone my feelings no matter how it affects them and I must do it on email" on me. I've gone back and forth with my mother over the years, 10 years, about not communicating her hurt feelings or anger on email-one of the many issues I have, but this one would ultimately prevent us from having a "friendship".

You ever gotten a loaded email from someone? An email that rips you to shreds verbally or criticizes you to no avail? I call these emails "Hit and Runs." It's like they hit you and then they can just turn off their computer and move through out their day feeling like they got shit off their shoulders. But then you read the email and you are left with the aftermath of their "true feelings" being spilled out in confusing language and punctuation. It's really unfortunate and unfair and something I really truly feel to the depths of my soul, having been through this many, many times and having had relationships utterly ruined through emails, that it is not appropriate in emails to really express your emotions. I know there is a place for letter writing and such and that people need to write sometimes to process through their emotions, I need that, but email I fully believe is not a cool place to do that- buy a journal or pick up a phone damnit. I'm sure there are exceptions to this for everyone but for me I now realize that I must, will, shall, need to, god damnit I will...communicate this to all of my friends. Please do not ever send me an email of you unleashing your "true feelings" on me. I do care what you have to say and I respect your words and you, but I will not handle it well nor will I accept it as a legitimate way to communicate feelings and emotions or a way to resolve conflict.

On another note...I'm sad to say that watching my nephews has come to a somewhat abrupt end. I can't fully go into the reasons right now but I wanted to communicate that. Oh boy what a week. I think I'm actually looking forward to Monday so I can start afresh with a new week with my babes and my pseudo clean house. Sometimes it truly is the small things in life that make life a little easier.


erin fry said...

that sucks. sorry, beth.
we are still getting through the plague. now edison is complaining of his mouth hurting. i'm going to break down and take him to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it's not strep. fun, fun! um... no.

Manic Mother said...

My mom is crazy too, its always all about her, and how she is the victim of all of our stupidity. Its a damn shame you can't pick your family!

BoLOGna said...

big giant all encompassing hugs to you girly. hope monday brings fresh perspective and renewal. and a less viral huz.

Rachel said...

What a week. :( I do hope that today and the coming days bring some time for relaxation and reflection.

Kelly said...


My Mom and I have issues too. Fortunately, my mother cannot properly operate a computer.

Jenni said...

sounds like you've had quite a week as well. email is such a passive aggressive way to communicate - I hate it.

you are a fine caregive, my friend. at least you don't need to call poison control three times in one week.

Shady Lady said...

Man, you've been dealing with a lot. The parental crap really sucks. You know I've got my own crap with my dad and step-mom. Sending you hugs and support.