I realized this week that I have Postpartum Depression. Some of the things I've been experiencing are
- Intense anxiety- This seems to come in the form of nightmares and panic attacks. I get so overwhelmed and anxious b/c of the constant screaming and demands on me day to day that I feel like my heart is going to burst b/c it's beating so fast. What accompanies this reaction is an immediate and intense sense of dread or hopelessness.
- Insomnia- Being alert from 9pm until midnight and then waking back up again at/around 4am. This of course leaves me exhausted in the mornings and afternoons.
- Weight gain- I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions and/or circumstances that I'm eating a lot of junky food. It seems at times that tasting the food is the only thing that is enjoyable in life.
- Inability to function- I can function where absolutely necessary- my kids, bills, shopping...but clothes washing, dinner, cleaning house are all done if there is no clean underwear or things are starting to smell (and then sometimes I don't really care-the Hub takes care of it).
- Not enjoying my kids and loving them through play- This is the most painful to admit but it's as if I've had a wall that is preventing me from giving to them in this way.
- Intense anger and sadness
- Morbid thoughts- like giving Baby J up for adoption as one example.
- Withdrawal from relationships
Also, weds night a friend initiated a chat over tea and she just totally enveloped me with support and love. She asked me questions to try to figure out where I was at and how she could support me. She then came over again last night and we talked some more. I noticed yesterday and even now my interactions with my babes have changed. I'm more relaxed and loving and my anger has dissipated tremendously. Friendship, a supporting heart and ear are a tremendous resource to the depressed person, I see now. I'm grateful.
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4 comments:
i, too, have depression and am medicated. i finally got the right dosage and am doing much better! if you ever need to talk or just want to get together, seriously, don't hesitate!!!
awwe, honey. I am sad to read this, but I am also happy because perhaps you have it figured out. PPD is so hard to figure out sometimes b/c I think women want to be superwoman or try to be supermom or something. Like they are afraid to admit weakness or that they "can't" handle things.
I really hope the meds work and things get clearer. This is a serious problem that doesn't need to be "just dealt" with. I am here for you. I want to help however I can.
I'm so sorry for your current circumstances, but I'm also very happy you've found help in the right places and are getting support. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk. I know I'm not as close as I used to be, but I do know what you're going through from personal experiences (my own and my immediate family). Just know that you're loved, and you'll be in my thoughts. And (I know this is so hard to do), try to take care of yourself first.
appreciate it, all of you.
-b
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