she took a nap today.Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Life Is Hard Sometimes And I'm A Shitty Caregiver
The Huz has been sick since Wednesday. He went to see a Nurse Practitioner on thursday and then an actual Doctor on Saturday. The NP was stumped about his symptoms and just threw him under the "Sinus Infection" umbrella. She handed him a script for antibiotics (too easily handed out imo) and a script for a narcotic (again too easily handed out imo.) He has no sort of drainage or anything other than a chronic migraine to suggest a sinus infection, oh he had a small amount of fluid in his ear but nothing to constitute diagnosing a sinus infection...wtf? At any rate, we got him in to see a doc on saturday morning and he suggested a viral infection which I guess they are seeing more of as of late. Oh I did watch the huz vomit in the sink friday night, frightening. But he is okay enough now to go back to work tomorrow hopped up on stronge doses of drugs-we tossed the antibiotics. Crazy, strange morphed viral weirdness-whatever.
I'm not much of a caregiver. I used to think I was but I'm so not. I'll take care of my kids and my huz if they are sick. But as the days go by...3 or so days is about all I can do. My ability to deal and give a "care" declines. I know I'm selfish. But this week has been especially difficult.
My mom has made some choices to cross some boundaries that I have purposely put in place, because she has a history of being verbally and emotionally abusive. I thought our relationship was going well and I was glad about it. As you know we had made plans to go to the beach with them next month. We will not being going anywhere with them. But on Tuesday or Wednesday my mother got on her high horse and fully inflicted her view of "I must tell everyone and anyone my feelings no matter how it affects them and I must do it on email" on me. I've gone back and forth with my mother over the years, 10 years, about not communicating her hurt feelings or anger on email-one of the many issues I have, but this one would ultimately prevent us from having a "friendship".
You ever gotten a loaded email from someone? An email that rips you to shreds verbally or criticizes you to no avail? I call these emails "Hit and Runs." It's like they hit you and then they can just turn off their computer and move through out their day feeling like they got shit off their shoulders. But then you read the email and you are left with the aftermath of their "true feelings" being spilled out in confusing language and punctuation. It's really unfortunate and unfair and something I really truly feel to the depths of my soul, having been through this many, many times and having had relationships utterly ruined through emails, that it is not appropriate in emails to really express your emotions. I know there is a place for letter writing and such and that people need to write sometimes to process through their emotions, I need that, but email I fully believe is not a cool place to do that- buy a journal or pick up a phone damnit. I'm sure there are exceptions to this for everyone but for me I now realize that I must, will, shall, need to, god damnit I will...communicate this to all of my friends. Please do not ever send me an email of you unleashing your "true feelings" on me. I do care what you have to say and I respect your words and you, but I will not handle it well nor will I accept it as a legitimate way to communicate feelings and emotions or a way to resolve conflict.
On another note...I'm sad to say that watching my nephews has come to a somewhat abrupt end. I can't fully go into the reasons right now but I wanted to communicate that. Oh boy what a week. I think I'm actually looking forward to Monday so I can start afresh with a new week with my babes and my pseudo clean house. Sometimes it truly is the small things in life that make life a little easier.
I'm not much of a caregiver. I used to think I was but I'm so not. I'll take care of my kids and my huz if they are sick. But as the days go by...3 or so days is about all I can do. My ability to deal and give a "care" declines. I know I'm selfish. But this week has been especially difficult.
My mom has made some choices to cross some boundaries that I have purposely put in place, because she has a history of being verbally and emotionally abusive. I thought our relationship was going well and I was glad about it. As you know we had made plans to go to the beach with them next month. We will not being going anywhere with them. But on Tuesday or Wednesday my mother got on her high horse and fully inflicted her view of "I must tell everyone and anyone my feelings no matter how it affects them and I must do it on email" on me. I've gone back and forth with my mother over the years, 10 years, about not communicating her hurt feelings or anger on email-one of the many issues I have, but this one would ultimately prevent us from having a "friendship".
You ever gotten a loaded email from someone? An email that rips you to shreds verbally or criticizes you to no avail? I call these emails "Hit and Runs." It's like they hit you and then they can just turn off their computer and move through out their day feeling like they got shit off their shoulders. But then you read the email and you are left with the aftermath of their "true feelings" being spilled out in confusing language and punctuation. It's really unfortunate and unfair and something I really truly feel to the depths of my soul, having been through this many, many times and having had relationships utterly ruined through emails, that it is not appropriate in emails to really express your emotions. I know there is a place for letter writing and such and that people need to write sometimes to process through their emotions, I need that, but email I fully believe is not a cool place to do that- buy a journal or pick up a phone damnit. I'm sure there are exceptions to this for everyone but for me I now realize that I must, will, shall, need to, god damnit I will...communicate this to all of my friends. Please do not ever send me an email of you unleashing your "true feelings" on me. I do care what you have to say and I respect your words and you, but I will not handle it well nor will I accept it as a legitimate way to communicate feelings and emotions or a way to resolve conflict.
On another note...I'm sad to say that watching my nephews has come to a somewhat abrupt end. I can't fully go into the reasons right now but I wanted to communicate that. Oh boy what a week. I think I'm actually looking forward to Monday so I can start afresh with a new week with my babes and my pseudo clean house. Sometimes it truly is the small things in life that make life a little easier.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Baby Sara Update
This is what my brother-in-law Mike says in the email he sent out today. "Mommy and Baby are doing fine. However, we didn't quite make it to the hospital in time. We knew we were in for something when Jody's water broke while we were still driving on the freeway (Rt 315). So we took the next exit and Daddy delivered Sara in the front seat of the family van at the corner of Lane Ave & Kenny Rd, at an abandoned (Shell) gas station! Then the squad arrived and cut the umbilical cord and took us to the hospital. God took care of us and gave us peace along the way. Welcome our new little bundle of joy!"
This is Jody and Mike's 4th babe. Congrats guys!
This is Jody and Mike's 4th babe. Congrats guys!
Welcome Baby Sara!
My Sister in law had her baby yesterday. When I get all the details I'll share. But for now all I know is that on the way to the hospital my brother in law had to pull over and deliver his daugther in their minivan about a mile from the hospital. All are okay and the paramedics got there to cut the cord and deliver them all to the hospital. Pretty Sweet!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Humor
Monday, July 20, 2009
July 4th 2009
Fun with family, a parade, food, and Cornhole. I had never played Cornhole before and I am sorely disappointed with how bad I did. But the huz's brother, his wife and the 4 babes (10,8,6,2) moved back from Seattle in December, they were there which made the holiday extra special this year. The kids had a ball picking up candy as it was thrown throughout the parade & playing with their cousins. I had fun we all had fun.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Thoughts On Food, Inc
Hey peeps!
Just wrote some thoughts on what I took away from the film Food, Inc. I'm still thinking about the contents of it (and grieving in some regards.) Please check out the post on the other blog if you are so inclined. Take Care!
Just wrote some thoughts on what I took away from the film Food, Inc. I'm still thinking about the contents of it (and grieving in some regards.) Please check out the post on the other blog if you are so inclined. Take Care!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Baby J's On The Mic: 15 months old
And then he passed out a little while later in the recycling pile. He often lays where he lands and takes a snooze, silly little boy!
Wardrobe Wednesday
Super N found Momma's lipstick.
Would you like to participate? Click the WW pic on the right of the blog, scroll down a bit.
Would you like to participate? Click the WW pic on the right of the blog, scroll down a bit.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Rats
In my anger and bitter frustration of cleaning up rat leftovers and trying to not burn down my house. This instead involves sanitizing and brainstorming ways of creating steel walls. I recall a song by a favorite artist. Here are the partial lyrics.
RATS OVER THE DISHES
RATS OVER THE DISHES
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
RATS OVER THE DISHES
AND GOD WAS CERTAINLY A GENIUS
TO EXPOSE THIS HUMAN WEAKNESS
RATS OVER THE DISHES
RATS OVER THE DISHES
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
RATS OVER THE DISHES
AND TO THINK THAT THIS WAS ONCE MY HOME
BUT NOW SOME SICK BASTARDS PLEASURE DOME
THEY SAY TO BUILD A BETTER MAN TRAP
THE RATS THEY WILL
BEAT A PATH TO YOUR DOOR
RATS OVER THE DISHES
RATS OVER THE DISHES
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
RATS OVER THE DISHES
AND GOD WAS CERTAINLY A GENIUS
TO EXPOSE THIS HUMAN WEAKNESS
RATS OVER THE DISHES
RATS OVER THE DISHES
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE RATTIES SAY
RATS OVER THE DISHES
AND TO THINK THAT THIS WAS ONCE MY HOME
BUT NOW SOME SICK BASTARDS PLEASURE DOME
THEY SAY TO BUILD A BETTER MAN TRAP
THE RATS THEY WILL
BEAT A PATH TO YOUR DOOR
(clutch-Rats)
Food, Inc
Have you guys seen this? It's playing at our local fine art cinema. I'm hoping, desperately, to go see it in the next few days. I hope you have the chance as well. Click on the image and watch the trailer for the movie.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I Hired A Personal Organizer And What The Freak?
I want to express how deeply grateful I am to be able to have a Personal Organizer come into my home and help me "move" back into my house. It's been an awful almost year of house upheaval and I had already lost a large portion of hope of ever being able to funcion normally again (possibly extreme but nonetheless true.) I just couldn't seem to get a grasp on the clutter, the constant housekeeping and my general duties as a momma.
So Melanie of Neat Streak came into my home last Thursday, after I dropped the kids off at the Inlaws (Grandma & Grandpa in the Red House.) We first tackled my dining room, then my kitchen and then my laundry room. She left my house 8 hours later with an Odyssey, sans the backseats, full of recycling, trash and thrift store donations. It was so motivating, a true jumpstart and feelings of hopefulness have filled me since she came. I will have her back to help me with my basement in a few months.
So what did she do?
We began in the dining room. She pulled out two garbage bags and a stack of boxes. The black trash bag was for trash, the white bag was for recycling and the boxes were for thrift store donations.We started by the doorway and worked our way around the room, this is referred to as the Mount Vernon Method. As we encountered the clutter, the mass destruction of doom, we addressed each and every item. The items that we kept went into it's individual pile on the dining room table. For instance, anything electrical (extension cords, power strips...) went into a pile. Anything that was considered memorabilia (photos, letters, awards...) went into a pile. The bags and boxes began to fill up quickly. When that room was completed we moved to the kitchen.
The kitchen had so much clutter in it and so many dishes were dirty that I had to hand wash dirty dishes while we ran a load in the dishwasher. As I washed dishes Melanie went through each of my cupboards pulling everything out and asking me lots of questions. Do I use it? How often? On and on... When the kitchen was completed my coffee cup collection went from 27 mugs to about 10. Does anyone really need 27 coffee mugs? (But there's so many cute ones out there? And what if all 27 of my cousins come to dinner and want coffee afterwards huh?? Yeah right?! 10 mugs is plenty.) Also, I have space leftover in my kitchen, it's not filled to the brim with stuff-very, very refreshing.
After the kitchen was organized we moved to the laundry room/office/storage area. We were running out of time by the time we got to this room so Melanie quickly dove in and just started doing her thing. She managed to get my storage pantries completely organized in a matter of minutes. She took this overwhelming clutter of stuff and literally flipped it into something manageable and accessible.
Hiring Melanie cost me $40 an hour and she was at my house for 8 hours. Expensive? Perhaps. But I seriously felt like it was worth it to the extent that I'm going to hire her again. She has so many great ideas that I hadn't thought about and theories that made sense. I'm actually a pretty organized person and I'm not at all a pack rat. But because of my situation with moving out of the house, essentially, and then having to move back in. And then the emotional aspects of losing the contract on the house, the pipes freezing and bursting (my bathroom is still in crumbles) and then losing the house we were in contract to buy, not to mention surviving every day life with 3 little kids-I am over my head, I needed help. Also, Melanie pretty much busted her tail doing seriously ALL the work. The only thing I really did was wash dishes and communicate to her what I wanted to dispose of. Her wisdom, experience and energy were invaluable to me on so many levels.
What the Freak?
As we were sorting through the clutter in the dining room, Melanie pulled a large roller paper away from the wall and noticed there was mouse poop on the floor behind it. I also found some poop ontop of a stack of stuff on a small table in the dining room. Melanie didn't seem to think it was mouse poop but I knew we had a mouse, I have been trying to catch him for a few weeks. If this grosses you out you probably don't want to read the rest of what I'm going to share. You see mice are somewhat normal for me. We have railroad tracks right behind our house and usually when it's cold we receive a mouse who haunts our downstairs until I catch him or murder him. I don't like it but there is not much I can do about it. I just try to get the food off the floor at night and put out traps and keep the area gated off from the babes. So anyways poop...the next night I'm telling my huz about the poop we found and how irritated I was that I couldn't see the poop because the house was so cluttered. The Huz informs me (wait for it) that he saw a rat in our kitchen floor the night before. Yes a rat. I immediately felt ill and angry. My babies, my house, a nasty ass rat that carries disease and whatever else-crawling around my house??? Fuck.
So this last 2 weeks I've been on a mission of gating off the kitchen and setting up rat traps and mouse traps and vacuuming and on, and on and on. I feel ill every day knowing we have a rat our house. I called an exterminator the other day and they came out today. Turns out the the composter that's located next to the house has been feeding the bastards. They've created tunnels all around the back perimeter of our house, including under the composter through the compost. I had that composter pulled up and shoveled into a wheel barrow within 7 minutes of him sharing this knowledge with me. Fuck. A rat nest under my house. And I've been feeding the bastards with my black gold? The bastards have been eating my black gold and chewing up my house? I feel violated. But for the price of $250 and then $72 (+tax) once a year the exterminators will come out put a bunch of mouse and rate bait boxes all in my house (out of reach of babes) and outside of my house. And then once a year they'll refill them too. Ugg.
I have this urge to catch my house on fire.
Lessons?
DO NOT put your composter near your house.
DO NOT let your house get so full of crap that you can't see mouse and/or rat turds.
DO hire a Personal Organize if you need to.
And DO NOT judge me for having a filthy ass rat in my house.
So Melanie of Neat Streak came into my home last Thursday, after I dropped the kids off at the Inlaws (Grandma & Grandpa in the Red House.) We first tackled my dining room, then my kitchen and then my laundry room. She left my house 8 hours later with an Odyssey, sans the backseats, full of recycling, trash and thrift store donations. It was so motivating, a true jumpstart and feelings of hopefulness have filled me since she came. I will have her back to help me with my basement in a few months.
So what did she do?
We began in the dining room. She pulled out two garbage bags and a stack of boxes. The black trash bag was for trash, the white bag was for recycling and the boxes were for thrift store donations.We started by the doorway and worked our way around the room, this is referred to as the Mount Vernon Method. As we encountered the clutter, the mass destruction of doom, we addressed each and every item. The items that we kept went into it's individual pile on the dining room table. For instance, anything electrical (extension cords, power strips...) went into a pile. Anything that was considered memorabilia (photos, letters, awards...) went into a pile. The bags and boxes began to fill up quickly. When that room was completed we moved to the kitchen.
The kitchen had so much clutter in it and so many dishes were dirty that I had to hand wash dirty dishes while we ran a load in the dishwasher. As I washed dishes Melanie went through each of my cupboards pulling everything out and asking me lots of questions. Do I use it? How often? On and on... When the kitchen was completed my coffee cup collection went from 27 mugs to about 10. Does anyone really need 27 coffee mugs? (But there's so many cute ones out there? And what if all 27 of my cousins come to dinner and want coffee afterwards huh?? Yeah right?! 10 mugs is plenty.) Also, I have space leftover in my kitchen, it's not filled to the brim with stuff-very, very refreshing.
After the kitchen was organized we moved to the laundry room/office/storage area. We were running out of time by the time we got to this room so Melanie quickly dove in and just started doing her thing. She managed to get my storage pantries completely organized in a matter of minutes. She took this overwhelming clutter of stuff and literally flipped it into something manageable and accessible.
Hiring Melanie cost me $40 an hour and she was at my house for 8 hours. Expensive? Perhaps. But I seriously felt like it was worth it to the extent that I'm going to hire her again. She has so many great ideas that I hadn't thought about and theories that made sense. I'm actually a pretty organized person and I'm not at all a pack rat. But because of my situation with moving out of the house, essentially, and then having to move back in. And then the emotional aspects of losing the contract on the house, the pipes freezing and bursting (my bathroom is still in crumbles) and then losing the house we were in contract to buy, not to mention surviving every day life with 3 little kids-I am over my head, I needed help. Also, Melanie pretty much busted her tail doing seriously ALL the work. The only thing I really did was wash dishes and communicate to her what I wanted to dispose of. Her wisdom, experience and energy were invaluable to me on so many levels.
What the Freak?
As we were sorting through the clutter in the dining room, Melanie pulled a large roller paper away from the wall and noticed there was mouse poop on the floor behind it. I also found some poop ontop of a stack of stuff on a small table in the dining room. Melanie didn't seem to think it was mouse poop but I knew we had a mouse, I have been trying to catch him for a few weeks. If this grosses you out you probably don't want to read the rest of what I'm going to share. You see mice are somewhat normal for me. We have railroad tracks right behind our house and usually when it's cold we receive a mouse who haunts our downstairs until I catch him or murder him. I don't like it but there is not much I can do about it. I just try to get the food off the floor at night and put out traps and keep the area gated off from the babes. So anyways poop...the next night I'm telling my huz about the poop we found and how irritated I was that I couldn't see the poop because the house was so cluttered. The Huz informs me (wait for it) that he saw a rat in our kitchen floor the night before. Yes a rat. I immediately felt ill and angry. My babies, my house, a nasty ass rat that carries disease and whatever else-crawling around my house??? Fuck.
So this last 2 weeks I've been on a mission of gating off the kitchen and setting up rat traps and mouse traps and vacuuming and on, and on and on. I feel ill every day knowing we have a rat our house. I called an exterminator the other day and they came out today. Turns out the the composter that's located next to the house has been feeding the bastards. They've created tunnels all around the back perimeter of our house, including under the composter through the compost. I had that composter pulled up and shoveled into a wheel barrow within 7 minutes of him sharing this knowledge with me. Fuck. A rat nest under my house. And I've been feeding the bastards with my black gold? The bastards have been eating my black gold and chewing up my house? I feel violated. But for the price of $250 and then $72 (+tax) once a year the exterminators will come out put a bunch of mouse and rate bait boxes all in my house (out of reach of babes) and outside of my house. And then once a year they'll refill them too. Ugg.
I have this urge to catch my house on fire.
Lessons?
DO NOT put your composter near your house.
DO NOT let your house get so full of crap that you can't see mouse and/or rat turds.
DO hire a Personal Organize if you need to.
And DO NOT judge me for having a filthy ass rat in my house.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Baby Bake's Bed
Super N emptied a whole box of tissues, unbeknownst to me. As that realization set in and I turned the corner to see the mess of tissues I found this. Baby Bake has a proper bed now. I had to curb my urge to fuss about the tissues because doesn't everyone deserve a soft bed Momma?
By the way, when asked what we should name her baby Super N responded with the name Bake, so there you go.
By the way, when asked what we should name her baby Super N responded with the name Bake, so there you go.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Clothesline Challenge Update
I've been such a slacker with the Clothesline Challenge as of late. I'm overwhelmed again with the house & stuff in the house from the storage shed. I've also been having some issues with one of my nephews that's weighing on my soul-it all is driving me crazy. In fact so crazy that I broke down and called a Professional Organizer. She comes tomorrow to dig me out of my hole. I never thought it would get to this, but it has and I'm not ashamed. Everything of value in my life is suffering because I'm tired and overwhelmed because of my house and being a mom and a caregiver most days to to other babes. Did I mention I'm addicted to chaos? Oh yes somewhere in my bio perhaps...
Clothesline Challenge. I seriously have done 2 loads of laundry over the last 2 weeks. A quarter of 1 load got hung up, slacker. Oh well. I'm not giving up that easily and will hopefully back on my game next week. How is everyone else doing? Click HERE if you'd like to participate!
Clothesline Challenge. I seriously have done 2 loads of laundry over the last 2 weeks. A quarter of 1 load got hung up, slacker. Oh well. I'm not giving up that easily and will hopefully back on my game next week. How is everyone else doing? Click HERE if you'd like to participate!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
What The Freak?
Have you seen this? Unbelievable, very sad for all involved including the families but incredible.
UPDATE: I assume you've heard by now that the child who was originally believed to be 5 is actually a 14 year old girl. Here. Amazing. It chokes me up thinking about all who were lost and yet I'm thrilled for this girl and her family. Happiness amidst sadness, such a hard pill for me to swallow (in life).
UPDATE: I assume you've heard by now that the child who was originally believed to be 5 is actually a 14 year old girl. Here. Amazing. It chokes me up thinking about all who were lost and yet I'm thrilled for this girl and her family. Happiness amidst sadness, such a hard pill for me to swallow (in life).
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Looking
I'm checking out the blog entry where ya'll gave me loads of things to do with my babes and my nephews this summer. Thanks a bunch. See you guys are an awesome resource and are appreciated!
It's almost the weekend and do you know what that means? Comfest!! For those not in this area here's a link to let you into what I'm talkin about. My Huz is taking the day off tomorrow so we can spend the day there. It's so much fun. Have a great weekend peeps!
Apparently this is my 400th post, crazy!
It's almost the weekend and do you know what that means? Comfest!! For those not in this area here's a link to let you into what I'm talkin about. My Huz is taking the day off tomorrow so we can spend the day there. It's so much fun. Have a great weekend peeps!
Apparently this is my 400th post, crazy!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Wardrobe Wednesday
Pre dreadlocks and post shaved head. My bestfriend asked me if I wanted to be in her senior photos. I found these pics over at her Myspace page. I was 17 here. We're so serious, like we're gonna kick your ass. hahaha no! We weren't like that at all! We were fun and she and her parents literally kept me alive by keeping me out of the house at that time and letting me live with them. I love this chick! She's now married and momma to furry cat babes. Dawn you rock...still!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Very Disappointed
Through random handlings of nephews & babes, they managed to find and destroy the cassette tape of my wedding. I'm so upset by this, livid really. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm not one to keep a lot of stuff but the things I keep are very sentimental to me. They destroy everything of importance to me, I'm so disappointed.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
This Whole Marriage Thang...
So I feel like my husband and I forgot what it is like to be friends. Of course he's the person I'm closest too but that doesn't necessarily say much since we don't talk that much, cause we're super busy with needy little kidlets of course. Oh and we're tired...so tired. We've been discussing this idea of friendship and how important it is in a marriage, whether it truly is important and if it is how do we work on it and grow it. It's been interesting and cool to talk about this with him. I feel like our marriage doesn't always have a measure of respect for the other person. We glide in and out of eachothers life on a daily basis, trying to acccomplish all that we need to and desire to. Nothing ever really feels finished or neat or clean or taken care of.
Sometimes, or really most days, I still function on a minimal level. Meaning that sometimes my only priority for the day is to keep the kids alive. J and I are truly spent and we know this.
One cool but not really cool because it feels not so cool but rather yucky really, is that I feel like I'm learning to not take things so personal and that even when you feel horrible and are emotionally spent, you can keep moving forward. I have learned this lesson many times before but it seems like it's a different layer of that same lesson. Like a deeper understanding learned through a more difficult time in my life.
Does any of this make any sense at all? Ahh sometimes I just want to cut the melancholy part of my brain out because I'm honestly embarrased to share what's in it at times. But this is me and I don't always make sense or write well or punctuate well but I'm trying desperately to be honest with myself and get it out so I can breathe and move on. For real does any of this make sense? If not...I'm okay with that, for now.
Sometimes, or really most days, I still function on a minimal level. Meaning that sometimes my only priority for the day is to keep the kids alive. J and I are truly spent and we know this.
One cool but not really cool because it feels not so cool but rather yucky really, is that I feel like I'm learning to not take things so personal and that even when you feel horrible and are emotionally spent, you can keep moving forward. I have learned this lesson many times before but it seems like it's a different layer of that same lesson. Like a deeper understanding learned through a more difficult time in my life.
Does any of this make any sense at all? Ahh sometimes I just want to cut the melancholy part of my brain out because I'm honestly embarrased to share what's in it at times. But this is me and I don't always make sense or write well or punctuate well but I'm trying desperately to be honest with myself and get it out so I can breathe and move on. For real does any of this make sense? If not...I'm okay with that, for now.
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