This Whole Marriage Thang...

So I feel like my husband and I forgot what it is like to be friends. Of course he's the person I'm closest too but that doesn't necessarily say much since we don't talk that much, cause we're super busy with needy little kidlets of course. Oh and we're tired...so tired. We've been discussing this idea of friendship and how important it is in a marriage, whether it truly is important and if it is how do we work on it and grow it. It's been interesting and cool to talk about this with him. I feel like our marriage doesn't always have a measure of respect for the other person. We glide in and out of eachothers life on a daily basis, trying to acccomplish all that we need to and desire to. Nothing ever really feels finished or neat or clean or taken care of.

Sometimes, or really most days, I still function on a minimal level. Meaning that sometimes my only priority for the day is to keep the kids alive. J and I are truly spent and we know this.

One cool but not really cool because it feels not so cool but rather yucky really, is that I feel like I'm learning to not take things so personal and that even when you feel horrible and are emotionally spent, you can keep moving forward. I have learned this lesson many times before but it seems like it's a different layer of that same lesson. Like a deeper understanding learned through a more difficult time in my life.

Does any of this make any sense at all? Ahh sometimes I just want to cut the melancholy part of my brain out because I'm honestly embarrased to share what's in it at times. But this is me and I don't always make sense or write well or punctuate well but I'm trying desperately to be honest with myself and get it out so I can breathe and move on. For real does any of this make sense? If not...I'm okay with that, for now.

Chicken and Fries

I can't recall how many times my children ate McDonalds this summer. I'm pretty sure chicken and fries were consumed at least 2 times aweek the whole summer starting in May. A few weeks in there I'm sure we had it at least 4 times. Also, my babes are quite familiar with Donatos pizza, Papa Johns whole wheat pizza (at least it has fiber right?!) and Subway. Let me not forget the large amount of macaroni and cheese that was consumed, sometimes whole wheat and sometimes not. I've become the momma I didn't want to be.


I yell at my kids-loudly and obnoxiously sometimes (I like to call her Ghetto momma). The yelling seems to come when stress increases. I discipline my kids as well and sadly I've disciplined them in anger a lot more as of late. I've become the momma I didn't want to be.


I sing to and with my kids most days. I smile at them often and laugh with them. I enjoy hugging them and holding them daily. I pray for their character and their future a couple times a week. I also pray for the ability to love them unselfishly. I've become the momma I did want to be.


I just read something online that struck me. Mom-101 says, "The best advice I ever got about parenting was from my own mother. She told me that every decision you will make as a parent is right, and every decision you will make as a parent is wrong. Once you learn that, you're golden.And boy, she nailed it.There is no one right way to do anything. Hell, we could find out in fifty years that the levels of mercury and lead in our own bodies is so high that breastfeeding is actually far worse than formula. Science changes, parenting theories evolve, new experts spring up with ideas that we never considered before.


I realize that in general I'm very judgemental, I don't like this about myself. I realize too that the person I'm most judgemental about is myself. I have a feeling I'm not the only one that feels this way about themself. With all the parenting theories/suggestions/commands out there I'm often left feeling exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed about the "right way" to raise my babes. I read something or hear something and immediately evaluate my ability to mother well. I'm so done with feeling this way. Something I've realized in my journey as a mom with 3 babes 3 and under is that some things are really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Dirty faces, clothes,house, losing your shit sometimes in anger, yelling, tv watching, unhealthy food at times, mommas at home, mommas at work, etc, etc.


What I've also learned is that communicating love to my babes through hugs, snuggling, smiles, kind and patient words, singing to and with them, praying with them and for them and providing them with food, clothes and shelter and having a humble heart towards my kids as well as continually working on my marriage to keep in healthy are all incredibly valuable.


I've also taken a liking to the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child.". Love and correction from family & friends to our babes has been such a blessing for the Hub and I. During times of intense stress and difficulty over the last 3.5 years others loving our babes has been such a blessing. This is true as well when things are "normal" and others just spend time with the babes and engage them in play, conversation, singing, etc. They learn so much from others and they also learn to be self reliant (versus having momma and daddy around all the time).


It is truly challenging being a parent. At times I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to have met these babes and to have learned so much from them and to have the privilege to raise them. But other times I'm overwhelmed by the task and question what I got myself into. I guess it's probably a mixed bag of these emotions from here on out. I'm just really happy I'm not the only one out there raising kids and that there is a whole lot of others that are in the same spot as I.

Spending Money To Make Money.

If I never see another paint can or cardboard box again it will be too soon!

Let's get this house on the market and sold already. I'm so on edge and convinced it's going to take years for my house to sell and my kids will be going to college when it finally does sell and then it will be pointless!

Alright, alright call me a pessimist.

The house we want is having an open house today. I've thought about using the kids binoculars and scoping it out from across the street just to see how many people I must compete with. The Hub suggested I go in and point out all the flaws REAL loud and obnoxiously....I'm considering this option.

But a good friend said to me Wednesday that God will meet my needs and WILL give me this house if it's meant for us. I'm trying to buy that line. God is good. But I've been so burned as of late with relationships that it's so painful for me to not put up a wall between me and God. Why is that? Does that even make sense? How can I accept the good things from God but when I suffer I put up a wall? In general though I've been pretty cynical about all things spiritual. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing b/c I need to figure out things for myself so I can live honestly but with having babes over the last 3 years and going through so many life, physical and emotional changes-let's just say I don't feel like myself anymore.

Wow I really digress. My post title, Spending Money to Make Money, is expressing currently what is happening in our "journey" to put our house on the market. We have spent roughly 10k getting this house up to par. It's very stressful. But I will tell you it's hard to believe our house won't sell, but I bet everyone in this position thinks this.

Wouldn't be cool if in a month from today I wrote a blog post expressing my excitement over selling my house?

The exterior painter comes Wednesday to power wash the house. He will then begin the process of scraping old paint, filling cracks and holes, replacing trim pieces and then painting our house. We will then place our house on the market. So as of today we have about 1o days to finish everything inside the house so we can put our house on the market.